


Yes and No

by MurielJones



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, no one actually dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-21 00:40:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13729458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurielJones/pseuds/MurielJones
Summary: Dean plans to propose to Cas, Sam wonders if his life is worth living.  Dean throws a party at the bunker, everyone is there, because Dean wants to make this evening special for Cas.  Sam, on the other hand, can't shake the presence of Lucifer.





	Yes and No

It was a win, the kind of win they didn’t usually get.  Mom was back, with the help of Rowena somehow coerced by Sam, ok, so Rowena was still an angel, wins aren’t perfect, and the help of Jack  – and thank god – the damage to Mary hadn’t been as bad as they had thought; Jack was off raising up the apocalypse-world to paradise after killing Michael with the help of their Mom; Crowley was back—thanks again to Rowena and a moment of motherly weakness;  Lucifer was dead, really dead this time, thanks to Cas; Asmodeus had been a group effort, with very little effort on Sam’s part; Arthur Ketch and his eviler twin Alexander had been finished by their mother, with a smile on her face – a little disturbing, but disturbing was apparently Mary’s trade; Jodie and Donna were closer than they had been, much closer; the girls were safe and home, but there was a loss there, Kaia was gone, and that was going to be Claire’s cross to bear for a long time.  Dean looked around the bunker, all of them together, the King of Hell, a Sheriff from Sioux Falls and her new best ‘friend’, the girls dressed like prom night, their Mom beautiful in a gown somehow found in the vaults of the bunker, their least favorite witch who Sam had insisted be invited sluttily over dressed, and his most favorite angel who was the reason, as far as Dean was concerned, they were all gathered together…and Sam off sitting in his room, not even bother to show up, let alone dress up.

Sam didn’t want to deal with this, not now, he couldn’t, he couldn’t deal with happy, he had thought the fear in his blood would drain, the helplessness in his bones would leach out when Lucifer was gone, but they stayed – instead of being Lucifer the fear and helplessness were now Sam –  and Lucifer stayed, his Lucifer, the one who had reveled his true face, the one who had dirtied and broken him, the one who haunted every nightmare and every hope Sam had ever had—that Lucifer wasn’t dead.  Sam had thanked Cas profusely, from the bottom of heart and so fourth, but his Lucifer wasn’t gone.  Sam turned the colt over in his hands, it was the only thing he was damn sure would kill him. Billie had promised darkness, and it was a promise, not a threat, a place where he could finally be alone, away, gone; maybe Cas had been the one to go there, maybe that deal was off the table, maybe he was slated for hell, for an endless dose of Crowley, and a cell where he and his own personal Lucifer could share a bunk;  or maybe he was slated for heaven, and he would re-live  the last moment before he jumped, where he at least thought he had saved the world from Lucifer, but where his heart broke for how he hurt Dean, and where he would watch Dean’s heart break eternally.

Sam didn’t want to deal with happy, but Dean was knocking on his door and opening it uninvited, and Sam had left the door unlocked for Dean anyhow, for later, when Dean would be surrounded by his family and maybe Rowena could explain; but right now Sam is hiding the colt under his pillow. “Sammy, you joining us?”  Dean’s upbeat tone doesn’t hide his concern.

Sam shakes his head. 

Dean pauses, he doesn’t know if he should try to talk Sam into it, or if he should just go, but he wants Sam there.  “Something you…?”  He doesn’t need to say the rest.

Sam shakes his head, which between the two of them means ‘Yeah, something…’

Dean steps inside, all dressed up in a tux, freckles and laugh lines showing, and sits on Sam’s bed letting their knees touch.  Sam looks at him, but keeps his mouth stubbornly shut. “Look Sam, I kinda need you out there tonight,” Dean reaches into his pocket, pulls out a box and opens it, showing Sam a ring, “I’m proposing to Cas, and I need you out there.”  Sam takes a deep breath, his eyelids flutter, but his lips remain stubbornly closed; because somehow he still thought he could tell Dean, and Dean would listen, even now with friends and a party in the other room he could say it and Dean would understand at least part of it, and somehow it would be better and he could leave the colt where it was, and Lucifer where he belongs, and join Dean; but that isn’t happening.  Dean puts a hand on Sam’s knee, “Come on man, if Cas says yes you can be my maid of honor…”  Sam smiles a little at the teasing, usually he would feign some sort of distress, but he wants to enjoy Dean in this moment.  “Actually Sammy,”  Dean is serious enough that Sam feels as though Dean might propose to him, “Would you walk me down the aisle?” 

Sam’s brow creases, he has no way to know if Dean is being serious or not, by way of reply he squeezes Dean on the shoulder and gives him a small shove.  Dean nods, gets up as if to leave, but pauses by the door:  “See you out there.”  It’s spoken softy, but it’s not a question. 

Sounds filter in for a moment as Dean moves to leave.

“Dean…” 

Dean, who had been about to step out, turns to look at Sam again.  Sam’s face twitches, “Just promise me something Dean, promise me you will love him more than you love me,”  Sam’s eyes slide closed, “Promise me that you will put him in front of me.”  Sam opens his eyes again, gazing at Dean, tense and expectant.

Dean nods and swallows and leaves the room letting the door click slowly shut.

Now Sam reaches under the pillow pulling the colt out, lays down on his back, fiddling with the colt, draws his knees up slightly setting the colt on his belly, resting both hands on it, keeping his eyes far away. 

Then Billie steps out from the shadows, and Sam can’t help but smile at her—tonight she smiles back.  “Not the night for it Sam?”

He looks away from her, looks only briefly at the gun, then blank and far away again.  He wants to ask what will become of him, she’s death, she can make deals for him right?  She can send him into the darkness, maybe into some equal sort of oblivion, maybe scatter his million disastrous pieces over the universe so they never join again into anything living. 

She watches him, “Rain check on our date?”

Sam nods, smiles ever so slightly, closes his eyes.

“Sam.”  He doesn’t look over at her; he has messed with Death enough times to know you don’t mess with Death, inviting Death over and changing your mind can be dangerous. “You get to choose when you die, how you die Sam, not many people do, and you can say no tonight, but it doesn’t mean you won’t say yes another time, there is going to be a good day to die.”

It’s quiet except for the far away sounds of the party in the library, some old music from the Men of Letter collection, the clink of glasses, voices and laughter, Sam can pick his mother’s laugh out now, can hear Dean chuckle, can picture Crowley pouring Cas another drink, and the girls exchanging news of high school friends, he imagines Donna and Jodi sitting so close to each other that they don’t need to tell anyone, realizes Rowena will be lurking malevolently but he needed a voice to explain, and knows Cas is watching Dean’s every move, looking over his shoulder to see where Dean is in the room, smiling his small Cas smile, looking awkward when Dean catches his eye. Sam open his eyes – Billie isn’t there – he stands up, he hides the colt again, this evening is his brother’s and he’s not going to spoil it for Cas and Dean. 

Dean stands talking to Cas, one hand clutching a tumbler of something, his other shoved deep in his pocket clutching the box with the ring, clearly anxious, he checks over  his shoulder briefly, it’s not really surreptitious he’s surrounded by family and friends he’s going to be damned if he will sneak, refuses to check his watch, he sets the tumbler down, creates another tiny pause – he wants to see Sam there, to know that he has his brother’s support, he won’t let Sam ruin this though, he will go ahead without him, but catches Sam in blue jeans and plaid and without shoes leaning in the door way. 

Dean lifts the needle from the old turn table, leaving the room suddenly silent, and everyone’s attention turned to him and Cas. He goes down on one knee, the room hushed and Dean stuttering promises of eternity, and love, and more than anyone ever, just the two of them.

“Yes.”  Cas equally nervous, but softer, he adds nothing for a moment, but then whisper’s ‘yes’ again, its soft, and gentle and in spite of the crowd intimate.  Dean slides the ring onto Cas’ finger as Cas pulls him up and into a deep embrace and a deeper kiss than probably should happen in front of one’s mother.  Finally the whole room breaks into applause, loud congratulations and offered toasts. 

But Sam returns quietly to his room, maybe he offers a genuinely contented smile briefly, and if anyone had noticed, the first time in a long time.  Sam isn’t going to get rid of Lucifer, the terror that has grown a home in his heart will stay, but Dean and Cas can move on, and that’s a win.


End file.
